The past few days have been a particularly bad stretch of road with horrendous winds. The winds were so strong that besides being physically knocked over, I was getting pelted by gravel.
Not sand, not pebbles or very small rocks that float, but pointy-edged gravel. My bike was issuing a chorus of “pings and tings”, from the onslaught of flying debris, vocalizing its disapproval of the buckshot-like assault from Mother Nature.
Any old wind can pick up sand and throw it like a girl. It takes takes a special kind of macho wind to hurl gravel in your general direction. In this case, Mother Nature definitely had broad shoulders, big hands, an Adam’s apple and five o’clock shadow. Mother “Tranny” Nature had me scrambling to recall the safe word.
It’s been a bad few days. There are kilometers of tedious nothing. With nothing to distract me, I’m stuck in my head. When I’m not enjoying life, that’s not always the best place to be.
Luckily, we’ve been carrying wine. However, it only temporarily assuages the situation. I’m waiting to lash out at anything. And unfortunately, very small animals happened to be in my path. No, not kittens and puppies, but Animal Crackers.
With a few exceptions¹ quality control and accurate labeling doesn’t seem to be a high priority for local consumer food products in South America.
Today’s exhibit, a bag of “Animación con Confites”, literally “Animation with Candy” or “Liveliness/Ebullience with Candy”. At the time, I didn’t translate, I just grabbed a bag of animal crackers on my way out of the grocery.
Maybe I’m not entirely familiar with all the animals in this part of the world or the bakers at Solitas Galletas (“Cookies”) just said F’it when creating their delectable beasties.
Here’s a handful of ebullient animals clearly created by a blind baker who’s only experience with animals is during one trip to a petting zoo, where he forgot to remove his oven mitts.
Clockwise, starting from the top of my hand, I interpreted these creatures as Mr. Snuffleupagus doing a faceplant, Zippy the Pinhead’s cat, a box with legs, Apple’s Dogcow (not its good side), the foot of a three-thumbed ape, Elephant with elephantiasis, hunchback squirrel, and a head of a puckering mer-man. Maybe you see them differently in your version of this edible Rorschach test but since you’re in my head, it’s my rules, regardless of what the other voices say.
The point is, from baker to quality control, the inmates were clearly running the asylum.
Let’s revisit the packaging. This is the stuff of nightmares.
A crazed (look at the eyes!) Tony the Tiger thinks it’s “Great!” to pummel some poor helpless malformed critter cookie with a large barbell-like candy. Meanwhile his buddy, the Grape Ape is about to sexually assault a headless humped animal, not only with another confection, but also with a banana held in his mutant three-thumbed foot. This gives new meaning to “the shocker”.
No animals were harmed writing this entry, not even this cute puppy.
¹Nestle, Knorr, Heinz, etc. are consistent as well as chain food places like KFC and McDonald’s