I am guilty.
Shopping has been my way of coping through the winter months and dealing with my impatience with the time spent waiting for this trip to begin. Typically I’m not a big fan of shopping so this is a bit out of character. At least my shopping has been targeted so I’m not talking about QVC-type madness.
But, I have managed to purchase nearly all the clothes and gear I will need for this trip, two years in advance. To my credit, there have been some amazing clearance deals and everything I bought was 50+% off. Still, it’s never good when your credit card plays an integral roll in your coping process.
Five hundred plus dollars later, there is little else to buy, I think I’m done. The couple of months I spent focusing on researching the minutia of every article I purchased, scouring gear reviews and stalking the internet for the best deals served as a much needed distraction and staved off the feelings of restlessness that at times seem to overwhelm.
But now that the shopping spree has ended, I’m back to where I began, and like the tide, all those feelings return and I am engulfed with the sense that I want to go….no, I need to go. There’s an adventure waiting of which scope I likely don’t even fully comprehend. All I know is I can’t stay here, when I could be out there.
I made Scott a countdown calendar for his 40th birthday. It has a picture of a different destination for every month on every page.
The idea was that we would leave, ready or not, forty months after his fortieth birthday. Other than it being a bit poetic, the date was somewhat arbitrary – May 2013. We needed a date, something we could look forward to, something to give this feeling of limbo some finality. We had been tossing around 2015 as a date, but that was so far away, it wasn’t real.
Initially, Scott thought that a 2013 timeline was crazy. We’d never be ready. But that was my point exactly. How do you determine when you are ready for an adventure of this scale? If this is something we were serious about then we should be able to prepare ourselves sufficiently in forty months time.
Delaying any more and we run the risk of making the error that plagues so many other dreams. We will forever be stuck in the cycle of doing it later, because we’re not ready today. And before we know it all the tomorrows have become yesterdays and we’re all out of laters. At some point, we must accept that we’re never going to be 100% ready. I’ve heard people who have gone before say the most difficult part of an adventure like this is leaving.
Change comes with a great deal of uncertainty. It’s scary. Change takes more energy then staying with the status quo. In many ways it would be easier to stay. But we know the right decision for us is to go.
We’re on month twenty-something. Scott has finally grown comfortable with a Spring 2013 departure date. But I have a flashback to his 40th birthday because I venture to bring up the possibility of leaving in 2012. The same conversation ensues. He thinks it’s crazy. We’ll never be ready.
I can’t make it to 2013. The road is calling….loudly.